Sunday, December 21, 2014

Guilty Doctor Seeks Counseling

Patient: "I'm a doctor and I feel guilty
for sleeping with one of my patients."

Psychiatrist: "You're not the first doctor to sleep
with a patient and won't be the last I'll bet."

Patient: "Yeah, but I'm a vet."

One More Empty Christmas

Christmas alone can be depressing for some. 
With no family around the season is a real bum.

I'll just get on the telly and ring up a female chum.
We'll cuddle up by the fireplace and open some rum. 

Won't take us long we'll both feel completely numb. 
To one more empty Christmas we will succumb.

Monday, December 1, 2014

A Senior Visits The Doctor

"You have high cholesterol,
and short term memory loss."

"I know that,
but do I have high cholesterol?"

Triple A The Mexican Way

I had a flat tire today.
My spare was far away.

My buddies gave me a hand.
The dumbest guys in the land.

I drove it up on two tires.
OK until another expires.

I think you'll have to agree.
We make a good Darwin Award nominee.

Headed To Burger King

headed to Burger King
thinking about a
Whopper, fries and shake

vegeburger, apples and water
are all I take

don't even get mayo or cheese
 it's my arteries I want to please

A Mental Workout

Writing for a contest is 
like going to the gym,
except it's my mind
that stays in trim.

Today's Education

i love collage.

A Hidden Welcome

Never felt welcome
when I walked in the front door.
Always felt threatened
when I came to the Walmart store.

I found out why
the other day.
Beware of the greeters
they will blow you away. 

Until I Can Transcend

I'm just biding my time, 
here on this old earth, 
until I can transcend, 
to my new home and rebirth. 

(Written for a contest utilizing the word "transcend" in 20 words only.)

A Lifetime Of Lies

Yes santa is real. 
The park is closed. 
We're almost there. 
Finish your soup. There is a prize at the bottom. 
I'm coming back there. 
Spinach will put hair on your chest. 
Be home by dark. The boogie man will get you. 
Finish your plate. African children are starving. 
Santa is watching you. 
I will lower taxes. 

Three Rejects

Went to my local ATM, 
to deposit a bunch of checks. 

Most were accepted, 
but I had three rejects. 

Noticed something about them, 
that was interesting to me. 

All three rejects, 
were from the US Treasury. 

(A true story)

Driving The Wrong Way

Was out driving today. 
Wife called to warn a car is driving the wrong way. 
"No." I said. "It's not just one." 
"There are many bad drivers out here hon." 

Even When A Sparrow Falls

We are all the same in God’s eyes,
young, old and unborn.
God cries when any of His creatures dies.
Even when a sparrow falls, He will mourn.

(Written for a contest utilizing only 28 words)

My Whole Life Is In There

Owned an iPhone since day one. 
Use it for more than just having fun. 

Read The Holy Bible every day. 
All my bills I can pay. 

Listen to my tunes all day long. 
Just speak to find my favorite song. 

Always know the temp and time. 
Set the alarm to hear a chime. 

Have someplace to go? 
A voice will guide you to and fro. 

Transfer money bank to bank. 
Can email my buddy Hank. 

Open a radar to check the weather. 
Keep my passwords all together. 

My whole life is in there. 
I can back it up and have a spare. 

This is a device I’m proud to own. 
Oh yeah, did I mention it’s also a phone? 

A Big Traffic Jam

Newly weds decided to take their honeymoon by RV. 
It was the country that they wanted to see. 

Got real frisky while driving on the road. 
Couldn’t wait to spill their load. 

Pulled over and stopped on the shoulder. 
No time to let those flames smolder. 

That’s ok, but they forgot one thing. 
To close the rear window curtain before their fling. 

I Learned Very Early To Give

About age four, mom taught me to give. 
She drove me to where the poor children live. 

I learned how we are more fortunate than some.
Saw other children who live in a slum. 

Mom said Christmas is all about giving,
To others who struggle to make a living.

We went home and boxed some of my toys,
With a plan to give them to some other boys. 

I learned very early to give Christmas cheer. 
I still give lots every year. 

My Former Girlfriend

I don't sleep and dream of you,
but when I dream of you I sleep.

From My Heart

To write from my heart,
my heart has to be right.