Saturday, August 2, 2014

I Heard Guns Are Killing Folks



I heard that guns are killing folks
So I decided to put it to the test
Sounded to me like a big hoax
But would still give it my best

Set my AR-15 outside by the front door
And set a box of ammo next to it
Worked around the front yard doing a chore
Waiting to see if this claim was legit

Was out there for about an hour
Mailman came by and a school bus
The lady next door brought me a flower
Kids came by but no one made a fuss

I didn't see that rifle move one time
It didn't even load itself
That rifle had not committed any crime
I wasn't afraid of being there by myself

So what is it with these politician dorks
Who claim guns cause all of this combat
Excuse me, I have to go check on forks
I hear that they are making people fat

We Love Our Red, White and Blue



Our flag represents all of us,
From the president to the one who drives the bus.

Our flag represents where we have been,
From our founding fathers to all those who are kin.

Our flag represents our forthcoming,
From today until Gods second coming.

Our flag represents home in a time of war,
We need something to fight for.

Desecrate our flag and you desecrate all of us,
In so many ways we could discuss.

We love our red, white and blue,
Bleach it white, then shame on you.

(Written for a contest about desecrating the US flag and bleaching it white.)

I'm Such A Poor Golfer...



I'm such a poor golfer...
- I can't mark my ball placement on the green with a quarter, they make me use a dime. 
- when I tee off, all of the spectators move behind me.
- when I am ready to putt, my caddy gives me a #4 wood.
- on a short putt, I turn my club around to make a billiard shot.
- my caddy makes me carry my clubs.
- they let me use an orange ball so I can find it easier.
- if it rains, my caddy won't give me my umbrella.
- to me, a hole in one means I just hit the ball into a spectators beer mug.
- I like to play during a thunderstorm so I have more excuses.
- for a warm up, I visit the club house lounge for an hour before my tee time.
- to me a birdie is when I accidently hit a sparrow.
- if I hit an eagle I'm running for the car.
- spectators applaud because I finally finish a hole.
- America's Funniest Home Videos shows up to broadcast my game.
- my caddy won't wear my name on his uniform. 
- to me, a slice is the serving of pie I'll enjoy in the clubhouse at the end of the day. 
- I bring a chainsaw with me to the course. 
- my friends started calling me Archy Bunker. 
- spectators applaud just because I hit the ball, not because of where I hit the ball. 
- I am such a poor golfer...that I seek spectator autographs.

(Written for a contest prompt: golf humor, 20 lines max)

Short Attention Span



Short attention span!
Written all I can!

Sure To Please



Celery stalks are good with peanut butter or cheese.
Then using the flower as a centerpiece is sure to please.

(This poem was written for a contest utilizing the prompt: celery)

Don't Let The Computer Bugs Byte



The computer knows where the migrating bug is at all times. 
It knows where it is because it knows where it was. 
By subtracting where it was from where it is, 
the computer is able to determine where it will be. 
Of course, 
if it isn't where it is, 
the error is due to where it wasn't 
and will propagate itself to where it won't be. 
Thus, the need for a Bug Filter - 
to decipher where it was from where it wasn't, 
thus allowing us to discriminate where the bug will be 
from where it won't be.

(This poem was inspired by a clever written description of a GPS satellite. Submitted into a contest with the word "bug" as a prompt.)

Through It All



When we married we were both young and strong
Little did we know then how things would go wrong

Twenty years later and we are both disabled now
We each picked up different diseases somehow

We've had to reorganize our lives a lot
Given all the changes our diseases brought

We each had careers that we enjoyed
Neither one of us is now employed

One thing that hasn't changed is our love for one another
She is still a good wife and caring mother

Looks like we are in this for the long haul
We will continue to love each other through it all

(Written for a contest about disability)

My Job Is To Open The Door



Jake will walk to the door and sit
then look at me for a bit
if I don’t get up and move
he will most certainly disapprove

(This poem was written for a contest about how my dog has trained me.)

The Poetic Police



I enjoy writing these lines
and it's good therapy too
I enjoy poetry of all kinds
It gives me something to do

Something I have learned since I started
Is that the poetic police will find you
They are all being good hearted
They all want to do a review

One said, "I'll take a quick look
And let you know what I think."
I'm like, "OK you can read my book.
Just remember. You're not my shrink."

He said, "I think they are awfully good"
Isn't that one of those oxymoron things?
I don't want to be misunderstood.
I like all the support this brings.

He said, " Your poems have casual authenticity."
What does that mean?
I know I write with simplicity.
I want to keep my writings routine.

Another person said, "I will proof read for you"
"I will send you the corrected version."
I really appreciate all that they do.
They've been helpful since I started this poetic excursion.

I'm really not trying to win any awards now.
I just jot down my thoughts as they arise,
To try to help my veteran brothers somehow.
I'm not trying to win the Nobel Peace Prize. 

I really don't care if I am missing a little dot here or there,
Or that little curvy one called a comma.
At least the poetic police really do care.
Next, I will probably hear from Barack Obama.

I Need To Get This Right



My disabled father lives with me.
He needs a bypass and a new knee.

I'm harboring a lot of animosity and disrespect.
Most of it comes from years of absence I suspect.

Stopped to visit him when I was sixty one,
To learn that he didn't think I was his son.

Imagine growing up in an atmosphere like that.
How could I possibly respect this cat?

Out of duty I have opened up my home to him.
Now my patience is running really thin.

Please God; I want to get this right.
Just help me make it through tonight.

(This poem was written for a contest about caring for our elderly parents.)

On Swearing



People who swear a lot have a limited vocabulary. 
People who swear loudly are trapped inside their own limited lives.

See You On The Bus



If I were president for a day
I'd write an executive order 
To invite the aliens in to stay
And deport the old people south of the border

At least young Hispanics can work
Old people are all liability
Spending all this money makes me berserk 
It all has to do with our sustainability

Old people are draining our Social Security
Not to mention the cost of our Medicare
They will spend us into obscurity
So old people you'd best prepare

As Commander in Chief I will send a bus around
There is nothing more to discuss
We'll stop at Disneyland, then head on down
I'll see you all on the bus

(This poem was written for a contest called "If you were president for a day".)

We All Live On The Same Rock



Everyone should see this picture of our earth
The perspective minimizes our girth
We should take care of the rock on which we live
Not take so much from it, instead we should give

If all people realized how small we are
It may reduce our differences by far
Should have cared for our home starting long ago
Take a real close look, there's no place else to go

He's a Big Boar



That's a great story about your pig watching tv
I was thinking about getting myself a dog
Then a friend said he had a pig for sale with no legs
So I got the pig instead and I call him "Ground Hog" 

You might think that mobility would be a problem
It's not really, he just rolls everywhere
I like to take him along when I jog downtown
So I can watch all the people stare

He loves to ride in the back of my pig-up truck
He'll raise his head up and look all around
I sometimes drive him out to the farm
So he can squeal at the fine swine that abound

He likes to watch old Chuck Norris movies
Maybe I should have named him "Pork Chop"
He likes for me to fix some hog pop corn
And go get some ice cream from the Stop N Slop

Compared to owning a lively puppy
Ground Hog is really a big boar
But he's always there for me though
And that's really what I got him for

(This poem was written for a contest utilizing the word "pig".)

If You Want To Play



If you want to play, run your stripes the other way!"

(This poem was written for a one liner contest.)

A Hike In The Forest



Nothing makes me happier than to hike the forest in spring.
Animals are everywhere and I love to hear the birds sing.
There on the ground are the squirrels, the fox and the bear.
Up in the sky are the ravens flying around playing tag up there.
Round tall trees can make their branches touch the sky.
Everywhere I look are Gods amazing creations I cannot deny.

(This poem was written for a contest utilizing the word "NATURE". I won bronze.)

Seems Like A Dream



"Wonder if we could have a house like that someday?"
"Seems like a dream now to even think that way."

(This poem was written for a contest utilizing 20 words with this picture as a prompt. I lose)

Sometimes I Close My Eyes



Sometimes I close my eyes and make my own paradise
I crank up my stereo and dream of some place nice

I'll switch among my Pandora stations
I like the tunes I've been listening to for generations

It may be jazz, classic rock or classical guitar
No matter what it is I'm always the star

I'll sing along at the top of my voice
And playing air guitar is always my choice

I love to hear my subwoofer rumble
This is not the time to be humble

Since I no longer visit saloons
One of my remaining joys is listening to my tunes

Stuck



I'd finish my poem titled "How to Write a Conclusion",
But I'm stuck on the last line.

Cruisin'



I love cruisin' in my old hot rod
I like to open up those dual quad

Started building rods before I could drive
It was somewhere around 1965

So I've been rodding now for about 50 years
I like power shifting through the gears

Gotta have a really wild roller cam
Along with that low body slam

Nothing like cruisin' with my arm out
With no particular route

I love it when my girl puts her hand on my thigh
And gives me that sexy evil eye

She likes it when I put my foot on the floor
She loves to hear the engine roar

Every time we cruise we feel like we are in a parade
My engine gives us that sweet serenade

When ever my girl gets in the raw
I take her cruisin' to hear that hot rod waaaaaaaaa

Wahoo!



So this is Déjà Vu all over again!?
With only ten minutes, let me run get my pen.

Usually I write what comes to mind,
And not a poem that is assigned.

Sometimes a poem will take me days to write.
Writing by the clock makes me a little uptight.

There is only a minute left to write about this Déjà Vu.
Beep. There it is. I got it in. Wahoo!

(This poem was written for a contest. The prompt word was Deja Vu and I had 10 minutes by the clock to write it. I lost)

I Know of a Hero



Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Threw himself on a grenade in the mud
Fortunately for him, it was a dud. 

Not I, but it know of a hero who...
Flew his helicopter in with enemy all around
Tried to fly away, was shot to the ground. 

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Threw his body on a grenade to soften the blast
Gave of his own life so others will last. 

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Shot six snipers, plus two more by hand
Sacrificed himself, while his platoon made a stand. 

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Made five charges to create a perimeter gap
Enabling his company to exit the trap

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Encouraged and directed his men where to return fire
Pushed back the enemy outside the wire

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Positioned himself to protect his friend
Watched the enemy aim, knowing it's the end

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Sees a grenade come in, his own life to give
Covers with his helmet, all men will live

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Single handily reduced the enemy into defeat
Provided cover, while the wounded made a retreat

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Fell on a grenade and survived the blast
Gave aid to his comrade, before he passed

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Pulled the wounded to safety, giving CPR as he went
Aided his comrades, until he himself was spent

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Pilot can't survive the crash, but the navigator can
Ditched plane in the water, to save the other man

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Destroyed 10 enemy bunkers and more
Saved his own life, and those of his corps

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Utilized 3 helicopters, to evacuate 51
It's hard to comprehend what he had just done

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Caught an incoming grenade and held it to his chest
Saved 3 of his comrades, from the blast he suppressed

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Was seriously wounded and driven to win
Took a rocket, to do him in

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Destroyed a bunker and performed without a flaw
Forcing enemy troops, to quickly withdraw

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Organized a retreat to save his men
Went back in, to do it all again

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Malfunctioned his grenade, seconds to react
To save his platoon, he absorbed the impact

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Was a POW who adhered to the code
Gained respect from the enemy, for the valor he showed

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Rolled over on grenade so comrades wouldn't pass away
Energized his team, to defeat the NVA

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Crossed a river to recover his wounded when success was slim
Moved them all to safety, even though he couldn't swim

Not I, but I know of a hero who...
Kept his damaged jet in the air to complete his mission
Silenced the enemy defensive position


These two line poems are snapshots of the actions of Medal of Honor recipients from the Vietnam War. Each Medal of Honor award is accompanied by a citation that describes the recipients war actions in detail. The citation is rather lengthy and written in military language, so very few people ever read them or understand them. My goal here is to respect the actions of these courageous and unselfish men who fought for their country and to make their story available to the general public in a short clever read. Thank you for reading this. 

PS. The Medal of Honor is the highest award the military has to offer. There were 254 Medal of Honor recipients in the Vietnam War.

Heaven or Hell



I just realized that I am not afraid of death
What's so scary about taking your last breath

I've already experienced the worst terror of my life
Fear so thick I could cut it with a knife

So how much more hell could one life provide
Than a war in which I should have died

I've experienced heaven and I've experienced hell
Heaven is what I choose I know so well

(This poem was written for a contest about the struggles of good and evil.)

Copping A Peak



I love cleavage.
When she talks,
I’m not listening.
I’m thinking…

“She’ll look away.
Can’t get busted looking.
Wait for it.
Wait.
Wait.
Here it comes.
NOW!
Yahoo!!!!”

This was written for a contest using 28 words only. (I lost)

One Injured Squash



Two squash were walking on the road.
A car came along and hit one into the next zip code.

I picked it up and took it to the ER.
Doc said, "This is going to leave a big scar."

Doc came back to announce, "I have good news and bad."
"It's doing rather well for such a fragile little lad."

"It's going to live if it goes under the knife,
But it will be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

This poem was written for a contest about "squash". (I won a ribbon)

Free: Living Heart Donar



I think I qualify as a living heart donor.
My heart might like a new owner.

My heart is still good for pumping blood,
But instead of lub dub, it sounds more like thud thud. 

Here is what my massage therapist said:
She said, "Your heart chakra is dead."

"Your capacity for love is gone."
"Your emotional bank account is overdrawn."

So if I'm not using all of my heart,
Give it to someone who needs a spare part.

It's a good heart with lots of love to give.
It has lots of ticks on it with many more years to live.

So if you want this old heart of mine,
Just call 364.3339.

(This poem was written for a contest using the word "heart")

Friday, August 1, 2014

An Interview With My Shadow



Me: "What is your purpose and why are you here?"
Shadow: "To be your companion and never disappear."

Me: "I appreciate your friendship by every move."
Shadow: "Yes, I was hoping you would approve."

Me: "Seems like you are most defined in the direct sun."
Shadow: "Yes, I think that is when I have the most fun."

Me: "What happens to you when the clouds move in?"
Shadow: "I'm still there, just spread around really thin."

Me: "I miss you when the sun is down and there is no light."
Shadow: "That's when I'm with you the most, everything is in shadow at night."

(This poem was written for a contest using the word "shadow". I won a ribbon.)