I'm Such A Poor Golfer...

I'm such a poor golfer...
- I can't mark my ball placement on the green with a quarter, they make me use a dime. 
- when I tee off, all of the spectators move behind me.
- when I am ready to putt, my caddy gives me a #4 wood.
- on a short putt, I turn my club around to make a billiard shot.
- my caddy makes me carry my clubs.
- they let me use an orange ball so I can find it easier.
- if it rains, my caddy won't give me my umbrella.
- to me, a hole in one means I just hit the ball into a spectators beer mug.
- I like to play during a thunderstorm so I have more excuses.
- for a warm up, I visit the club house lounge for an hour before my tee time.
- to me a birdie is when I accidently hit a sparrow.
- if I hit an eagle I'm running for the car.
- spectators applaud because I finally finish a hole.
- America's Funniest Home Videos shows up to broadcast my game.
- my caddy won't wear my name on his uniform. 
- to me, a slice is the serving of pie I'll enjoy in the clubhouse at the end of the day. 
- I bring a chainsaw with me to the course. 
- my friends started calling me Archy Bunker. 
- spectators applaud just because I hit the ball, not because of where I hit the ball. 
- I am such a poor golfer...that I seek spectator autographs.

(Written for a contest prompt: golf humor, 20 lines max)