Patient: "I'm a doctor and I feel guilty
for sleeping with one of my patients."
Psychiatrist: "You're not the first doctor to sleep
with a patient and won't be the last I'll bet."
Patient: "Yeah, but I'm a vet."
Sunday, December 21, 2014
One More Empty Christmas
Christmas alone can be depressing for some.
With no family around the season is a real bum.
I'll just get on the telly and ring up a female chum.
We'll cuddle up by the fireplace and open some rum.
Won't take us long we'll both feel completely numb.
To one more empty Christmas we will succumb.
Monday, December 1, 2014
A Senior Visits The Doctor
Doctor:
"You have high cholesterol,
and short term memory loss."
Patient:
"I know that,
but do I have high cholesterol?"
"You have high cholesterol,
and short term memory loss."
Patient:
"I know that,
but do I have high cholesterol?"
Triple A The Mexican Way
I had a flat tire today.
My spare was far away.
My spare was far away.
My buddies gave me a hand.
The dumbest guys in the land.
The dumbest guys in the land.
I drove it up on two tires.
OK until another expires.
OK until another expires.
I think you'll have to agree.
We make a good Darwin Award nominee.
We make a good Darwin Award nominee.
Headed To Burger King
headed to Burger King
thinking about a
Whopper, fries and shake
vegeburger, apples and water
are all I take
don't even get mayo or cheese
it's my arteries I want to please
A Mental Workout
Writing for a contest is
like going to the gym,
except it's my mind
that stays in trim.
A Hidden Welcome
Never felt welcome
when I walked in the front door.
Always felt threatened
when I came to the Walmart store.
I found out why
the other day.
Beware of the greeters
they will blow you away.
Until I Can Transcend
I'm just biding my time,
here on this old earth,
until I can transcend,
to my new home and rebirth.
(Written for a contest utilizing the word "transcend" in 20 words only.)
A Lifetime Of Lies
Yes santa is real.
The park is closed.
We're almost there.
Finish your soup. There is a prize at the bottom.
I'm coming back there.
Spinach will put hair on your chest.
Be home by dark. The boogie man will get you.
Finish your plate. African children are starving.
Santa is watching you.
I will lower taxes.
The park is closed.
We're almost there.
Finish your soup. There is a prize at the bottom.
I'm coming back there.
Spinach will put hair on your chest.
Be home by dark. The boogie man will get you.
Finish your plate. African children are starving.
Santa is watching you.
I will lower taxes.
Three Rejects
Went to my local ATM,
to deposit a bunch of checks.
Most were accepted,
but I had three rejects.
Noticed something about them,
that was interesting to me.
All three rejects,
were from the US Treasury.
(A true story)
to deposit a bunch of checks.
Most were accepted,
but I had three rejects.
Noticed something about them,
that was interesting to me.
All three rejects,
were from the US Treasury.
(A true story)
Driving The Wrong Way
Was out driving today.
Wife called to warn a car is driving the wrong way.
"No." I said. "It's not just one."
"There are many bad drivers out here hon."
Even When A Sparrow Falls
We are all the same in God’s eyes,
young, old and unborn.
God cries when any of His creatures dies.
Even when a sparrow falls, He will mourn.
(Written for a contest utilizing only 28 words)
young, old and unborn.
God cries when any of His creatures dies.
Even when a sparrow falls, He will mourn.
(Written for a contest utilizing only 28 words)
My Whole Life Is In There
Owned an iPhone since day one.
Use it for more than just having fun.
Read The Holy Bible every day.
All my bills I can pay.
Listen to my tunes all day long.
Just speak to find my favorite song.
Always know the temp and time.
Set the alarm to hear a chime.
Have someplace to go?
A voice will guide you to and fro.
Transfer money bank to bank.
Can email my buddy Hank.
Open a radar to check the weather.
Keep my passwords all together.
My whole life is in there.
I can back it up and have a spare.
This is a device I’m proud to own.
Oh yeah, did I mention it’s also a phone?
A Big Traffic Jam
Newly weds decided to take their honeymoon by RV.
It was the country that they wanted to see.
Got real frisky while driving on the road.
Couldn’t wait to spill their load.
Pulled over and stopped on the shoulder.
No time to let those flames smolder.
That’s ok, but they forgot one thing.
To close the rear window curtain before their fling.
I Learned Very Early To Give
About age four, mom taught me to give.
She drove me to where the poor children live.
I learned how we are more fortunate than some.
Saw other children who live in a slum.
Mom said Christmas is all about giving,
To others who struggle to make a living.
We went home and boxed some of my toys,
With a plan to give them to some other boys.
I learned very early to give Christmas cheer.
I still give lots every year.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
What Is Love
Love is trusting in you
when you assure me
that my questioning was wrong.
Love is patience when
your girl friend puts you down.
Love is caring enough to stay
by your side when you were hurt
by someone who was once your friend.
Love is gladly giving
of ones self in time of need.
Love is sharing half my communion
bread with you when you
feel shamed after not partaking.
Love is a deep devotion
or affection for another person.
Love is unselfishness.
(Written in high school in the early 60's.)
when you assure me
that my questioning was wrong.
Love is patience when
your girl friend puts you down.
Love is caring enough to stay
by your side when you were hurt
by someone who was once your friend.
Love is gladly giving
of ones self in time of need.
Love is sharing half my communion
bread with you when you
feel shamed after not partaking.
Love is a deep devotion
or affection for another person.
Love is unselfishness.
(Written in high school in the early 60's.)
Trusting
I was about eight years old at the time,
When I found twenty-five dollars on the street.
I thought I was rich if I had a dime,
But now I was at no mans discrete.
The first thing I thought of was a model car,
with a big blown engine and everything.
But at that rate my money would go far,
so I decided to throw a real fling.
I peddled hastily to the closest drug store,
and ate as much ice cream as I could hold.
People asked what the celebration was for,
I told them I'd just struck gold.
Then I went a couple streets over to see Fred,
the man who sells paint and stuff like that.
I couldn't decide between candy green or candy red,
But I ended up with red, "because that's where it's at."
When mom found out how much money I had,
she didn't believe I'd found that much.
I assured her I hadn't been bad,
and explained to her how I'd run across it and such.
That was one of the best weeks of my life,
now that I look back when...
There was a very little amount of strife.
I wish I knew you then.
(Written in high school in the early 60's)
When I found twenty-five dollars on the street.
I thought I was rich if I had a dime,
But now I was at no mans discrete.
The first thing I thought of was a model car,
with a big blown engine and everything.
But at that rate my money would go far,
so I decided to throw a real fling.
I peddled hastily to the closest drug store,
and ate as much ice cream as I could hold.
People asked what the celebration was for,
I told them I'd just struck gold.
Then I went a couple streets over to see Fred,
the man who sells paint and stuff like that.
I couldn't decide between candy green or candy red,
But I ended up with red, "because that's where it's at."
When mom found out how much money I had,
she didn't believe I'd found that much.
I assured her I hadn't been bad,
and explained to her how I'd run across it and such.
That was one of the best weeks of my life,
now that I look back when...
There was a very little amount of strife.
I wish I knew you then.
(Written in high school in the early 60's)
Weird Math
When there were only two candy bars left
I always hated to share one with Roy.
But whenever I did
I would feel ten times the joy.
When my brother Roy was ill
he lived on granola and soy.
I ate twice as many candy bars then
but felt only half the joy.
(Written in high school in the mid 60's.)
I always hated to share one with Roy.
But whenever I did
I would feel ten times the joy.
When my brother Roy was ill
he lived on granola and soy.
I ate twice as many candy bars then
but felt only half the joy.
(Written in high school in the mid 60's.)
I've Always Wanted To Be An Architect
I think I'll start building
water towers on my spare days.
I'd start with the top
and forget the regular ways.
All I need is the top to sit on
so why build the rest?
I can't see it anyway
it's always recessed.
I'd best put a big red light on it
'cause it's going to be so high.
Can't take chances these days
with so many planes in the sky.
Build a litter for a way up
is what I'll do.
You're right, I'm not an architect.
What gave you the first clue?
So if you see the top of a tower
floating in the sky, look for me,
'cause I'll be there,
still writing poetry.
(Written in college in the late 60's.)
water towers on my spare days.
I'd start with the top
and forget the regular ways.
All I need is the top to sit on
so why build the rest?
I can't see it anyway
it's always recessed.
I'd best put a big red light on it
'cause it's going to be so high.
Can't take chances these days
with so many planes in the sky.
Build a litter for a way up
is what I'll do.
You're right, I'm not an architect.
What gave you the first clue?
So if you see the top of a tower
floating in the sky, look for me,
'cause I'll be there,
still writing poetry.
(Written in college in the late 60's.)
Take #3
God lives in even
the smallest flower,
and you can always
find Him home.
(Written in college in the late 60's.)
the smallest flower,
and you can always
find Him home.
(Written in college in the late 60's.)
Never Will I Die
There was once a girl
who every time she passed
this one rose, would pull
off a pedal and throw it on the ground.
Having pulled off all pedals
but one, she went out of her way
for the last time to pull off the last pedal.
The rose, seeing her coming, dropped
it's last pedal to the ground willingly.
But to the girls suprise, the rose
grew new pedals instead of dying.
(Written in the late 60's when I was in college.)
who every time she passed
this one rose, would pull
off a pedal and throw it on the ground.
Having pulled off all pedals
but one, she went out of her way
for the last time to pull off the last pedal.
The rose, seeing her coming, dropped
it's last pedal to the ground willingly.
But to the girls suprise, the rose
grew new pedals instead of dying.
(Written in the late 60's when I was in college.)
Make Believe Sunday
Only a half hour ago
it was about six o'clock
and I'm still groovin' along
walking around the block.
I can see you everywhere.
There you are in the frost on the ground
with the twinkle in your eyes
when you speak to me without making a sound.
And look up there.
Just a second ago I saw your face
vaguly outlined in the clouds
drifting by at a lazy pace.
If I look at the brown mountainside
and squint my eyes real hard,
I can see the long flowing strains
of your hair as it would be unbarred.
Up there are two birds,
flying between me and the morning star
like they haven't a care in the world.
They have a lot on me by far.
(Written in college in the late 60's.)
it was about six o'clock
and I'm still groovin' along
walking around the block.
I can see you everywhere.
There you are in the frost on the ground
with the twinkle in your eyes
when you speak to me without making a sound.
And look up there.
Just a second ago I saw your face
vaguly outlined in the clouds
drifting by at a lazy pace.
If I look at the brown mountainside
and squint my eyes real hard,
I can see the long flowing strains
of your hair as it would be unbarred.
Up there are two birds,
flying between me and the morning star
like they haven't a care in the world.
They have a lot on me by far.
(Written in college in the late 60's.)
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Classified: Personal
All his life
an unfamous poet, guitarist
has been looking for
a girl who
has been looking for
an unfamous poet, guitarist
all her life.
Dave 772-7892
Note: (I wrote this in college in 1968)
an unfamous poet, guitarist
has been looking for
a girl who
has been looking for
an unfamous poet, guitarist
all her life.
Dave 772-7892
Note: (I wrote this in college in 1968)
Introduction
"Hi. What's your name?"
"Dave. What's yours?"
"Myra. Is that your guitar?"
"Yes"
"Can you play a song for me?"
"I'll try."
"Oh Dave, that's so lovely.
Is that your paint and brush?"
"Yes."
"Can you paint a picture for me?"
"I'll try."
"Oh Dave, that's so beautiful.
Is that your pen and paper?"
"Yes."
"Can you write a poem for me?"
"I'll try."
"Oh Dave, that's so inspiring.
Is that your blanket?"
"Yes."
"Can you make love to me?"
"I'll try."
"Oh Dave."
Note: (I wrote this in college in 1968.)
A Seniors Visit To The Allergy Doctor
Doctor,
"You're not allergic to tomato sauce,
but you have short term memory loss."
Patient,
"I know that,
but am I allergic to tomato sauce?"
"You're not allergic to tomato sauce,
but you have short term memory loss."
Patient,
"I know that,
but am I allergic to tomato sauce?"
How To Light a Campfire
1. Split twigs into thin pieces.
2. Wrap finger as bleeding increases.
3. Arrange the pieces into a little pile.
4. Pulling splinters all the while.
5. Strike a match.
6. Strike a match.
7. Blow to make a big flame.
8. Burned face make insurance claim.
9. Run to gather more fire wood.
10. Fell down. Knee doesn't look good.
11. Big thunderstorm just got done.
12. See number one.
Friday, October 10, 2014
"Come Unto Me"
"Come unto Me"
Is what I see.
"And I will give you rest"
Already I feel blessed.
Matthew 11:28
Why's It Nut'in' Rhymes?
Environment ain't important to me
Don't matter none where I is to be
All I needs is inspiration
Plus a lit'l bit of that there motivation
Then I gots myself a poem
Shoot, why's it nuthin' rhymes wit' poem
Ppppppppppoooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmm
I like a poem that is really long,
But then perhaps I am wrong.
Without Some Light
"I hate walking barefoot on the plains at night.
Can't spot warm buffalo chips without some light."
How Sweet The Sound
Amazing Grace
Has always been my ace
Never forgot that sweet sound
Nor the lyrics so profound
Medal Of Honor
Single handedly credited for killing 22.
Multiple wounds as the enemy withdrew.
Unbelievable courage that resulted in victory.
Second most decorated in American history.
(The Medal of Honor is the highest level of recognition available in war. Joe Hooper won the medal during the Vietnam War along with 254 other warriors. Joe Hooper was the most decorated for his actions in the Vietnam War for his courage, valor and gallantry in keeping with the highest traditions of the US Army. Joe Hooper is one of my earthly heros.)
Thank You For What You Do
When we arrived, the scene was unreal.
It looked like two towers of burning steel.
What a first day as a fireman on the job.
I can now feel my heart start to throb.
Where do you start on a fire like this?
Everything around me seems to be amiss.
Captain said, "Grab your gear and run upstairs!"
By this time I'm starting to say my prayers.
Couldn't go up for all the people running down.
Helped them out of the building and sent them downtown.
Wanted them to get away as quickly as they could.
They were not very safe where they stood.
By now, I realized this wasn't going to end very well.
Going back up those stairs was like running into hell.
Everywhere I stepped was debris and glass.
Gave encouragement to people as we pass.
Heard people jumping from the top.
Could hear their screams as they drop.
Must be pretty bad up there,
If the best option is jumping into the air.
Took out a picture of my wife and son.
Wanted one last look while on the run.
Surely this building won't fall flat.
Oh my God! What the hell is that...
Scared Half To Death
I'm afraid of clowns.
I was scared half-to-death one time.
What happens if I get scared half-to-death again?
Honey, I Asked You Please
Honey, I asked you to please not put
Tabasco hot sauce in the cat food anymore.
His mouth is on fire again and
If he burns the house down we're all done for.
His voice doesn't sound like a cats meow
It sounds more like a lions roar.
I have no choice now
But to give him to those people next door.
Should have moved him with my fishing net
My burned hands are going to be sore.
"Omaha" Explained
Peyton told me why "Omaha" is part of his count.
Here is what I found out:
It all has to do with wind direction,
And the volume of his voice inflection.
Depends of the end zone he's faced,
And the manner in which his shoes are laced.
The jersey he's wearing may force him to deviate,
And the play clock may cause him to abbreviate.
"Omaha" is a run play, but it could be a play action pass,
Dependent on if he's playing on turf or real grass.
Throw in the fact that "Omaha" changes every play,
And I get the idea that Peyton really doesn't want to say.
Howdy Y'All
Howdy y'all.
I enjoy writing poetry,
I have a little collection.
Trouble is.
Up in the mountains,
I don't have a connection.
About To Crash
When I was young,
I had lots of energy,
But I had no cash.
Now that I'm a senior,
I have lots of money,
But I'm about to crash.
Just An Ole Lady Bug
A cat in hiding ready to spring.
He's small but thinks he's a king.
Is it a mouse he is after,
Or a bird up in the rafter?
Pupils are dilated and focused.
Maybe he's after a locust.
Perhaps it's just a slow moving slug.
No. Never mind. It's just that ole lady bug.
Better For Me
The law from Your mouth
Is better for me,
Than the treasures of this earth
Could ever be.
Psalm 119:72
Is better for me,
Than the treasures of this earth
Could ever be.
Psalm 119:72
Bristlecone Pine
Living high on specialized ground
Older then any other trees around
It's a good lesson for global warming
Because of all the new trees reforming
Survives when others can't
This is one serious plant
I could talk a lot about this tree
And how it relates to me
We do have a kindred heart
It's like enjoying rare fine art
I've walked through the groves alone
One of the most peaceful experiences known
I love these trees for their strength and beauty
Protecting them is a real sense of duty
Note: (This is the largest Bristlecone Pine in the world.)
Above It All
Sometimes I need to be above it all.
Looking down, troubles seem so small.
Up here I'm in control.
Peace is my goal.
No one can touch me here.
No need to run in fear.
Think I'll fly over that hill.
Finding something fun would be a thrill.
2
Thank you for all those hours of TV watching you
You have been an inspiration too
Many new records you have set
One of the best players I would bet
They should retire your number 2
There will never be another you
Tonight is your last home game on TV
I know exactly where I will be
Tonight I'm ordering pizza in
Anxious for the game to begin
I hope you enjoy your after life
Maybe you can find yourself a wife
You never entered the Personal Hall of Shame
See you again at the Baseball Hall of Fame
You have been an inspiration too
Many new records you have set
One of the best players I would bet
They should retire your number 2
There will never be another you
Tonight is your last home game on TV
I know exactly where I will be
Tonight I'm ordering pizza in
Anxious for the game to begin
I hope you enjoy your after life
Maybe you can find yourself a wife
You never entered the Personal Hall of Shame
See you again at the Baseball Hall of Fame
What's It Feel Like?
What's it feel like to have 48,000 fans chanting your name?
What's it feel like after 22 years then play your last game?
What's it feel like to walk through New York City when everybody wants to shake your hand?
What's it feel like to pay $15,375 for a dugout seat and most of the game you stand?
What's it feel like to know you are a walk-in to the Baseball Hall of Fame?
What's it feel like when everybody wants you to sign your name?
What's it feel like when all of your opponents give you a salute?
What's it feel like when you and your coach never had a dispute?
What's it feel like to have Bob Shepherd announce your at-bat?
What's it feel like to leave the field and tip your hat?
What's it feel like when your opponents are glad you are retiring?
What's it feel like when your teammates refer to you as "inspiring"?
What's it feel like when even the commercials are about you?
What's it feel like when even Mother Nature comes through?
What's it feel like to have a ring on every finger?
What's it feel like to leave the stadium, pause, look back and linger?
What's it feel like to be Derek Jeter?
The model of greatness.
Thanks Derek.
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